


Darling, Can You Hear Me?

by harold_theyrelesbians



Category: Last Tango In Halifax
Genre: Blood and Injury, F/F, Gun Violence, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:01:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23031355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harold_theyrelesbians/pseuds/harold_theyrelesbians
Summary: Years after Gillian tells Robbie what happened with Eddie, she and Caroline are happily married. Celia is no longer speaking to Caroline. Robbie decides to make a violent return with revenge on his mind.(tw: brief mention of rape)
Relationships: Gillian Greenwood/Caroline McKenzie-Dawson
Comments: 27
Kudos: 78





	1. Chapter 1

As the rain hammered against the windscreen, Caroline sat in the passenger seat of her wife’s red land rover, waiting for Raff to join her. This car is the most Gillian thing anywhere, every inch reminding her of sturdy hands and soft touches. It even smells like her, or perhaps Gillian smells of her car. Caroline was eager to back home at the farm, and turns in her seat to see where Raff is.

Her eyebrows crease with worry as she watches him talking on the phone, panic sliding over his features. He breaks into a run and yanks the car door open, throwing his phone into her lap before she can open her mouth. 

“I need you to keep talking to Ellie!” He shouts at her over his shoulder as he pulls suddenly from where they were parked. Caroline often sees his mother’s influence in his driving, usually it would make her smile.

“Hello? Ellie, it’s Caroline. Can you tell me what’s going on?” She asks, keeping her eyes on Raff’s face as his white knuckles grip the steering wheel.

“She’s locked us in the house, he’s outside with her!” Ellie’s trembling voice exclaims in whispers.

Caroline pauses, a feeling she hadn’t felt for years begins to form in the pit of her stomach. The feeling of dread, fear and so much more. The last time she felt it had been right before Kate died.

“Please Ellie, I need you to take a breath and slow down. Who’s outside?” Caroline probes, her heart hammering in her ears.

“It’s Robbie, and he’s got a gun.”

-

Gillian hated that barn. It had haunted her for years, and here she found herself inside it with Robbie once more.

Damp streamed down both their faces from the downpour outside as they stood opposite each other. She had panicked when she first saw his car coming up the road. Gut instinct compelled her to make Ellie hide inside the house with the girls, he couldn’t know they were there too.

She looked into his eyes and something churns in her gut. They look exactly like his brother Eddie’s eyes, the same fury and loathing. Those eyes that would glare down at her when he forced himself on her. She recognised the way his eyes would change right before hitting her. Robbie’s eyes never used to look like Eddie’s, now it was as if they were the same man.

In his fists he holds Eddie’s shotgun, she’s not sure where he found it. The barn creaks around them, as if Eddie is willing him on from beyond the grave. Gillian has given up trying to talk to Robbie, he seems unreachable for her now. Ever since she told him what really happened to his brother, she knew this day might come. It had been years, and now his anger at her had consumed him completely. 

The gun slips slightly in his grasp as he begins to raise it, the creaking of the barn and the hammering rain intensifies. 

Gillian feels as if something is holding her in place. Maybe it’s Eddie, getting his revenge after all this time. Even if she could’ve moved, she knew she wouldn’t get far. Robbie was always a very good shot.

She closes her eyes, and thinks of Caroline instead. 

There’s a gunshot. She feels the air knocked out of her lungs by the force of it. The mud is cold beneath her back. Then a pause. 

Then another gunshot.

-

The phone slides from Ellie’s grasp as she pulls the girls closer to her. She tries to calm their cries whilst blinking back her own tears. Caroline’s voice is shouting from the phone as it lies next to them on the floor. 

The gunshots felt like they were still echoing through her head. She reached down for the phone again, feeling numb as she tried to answer Caroline’s frantic questions.

Ellie had never seen Gillian so panicked as she’d been when they saw Robbie’s car. Before Ellie could protest she’d been shoved roughly inside the house and told to hide. She had nodded dumbly at the desperation in Gillian’s face as she’d locked the door behind her and gone to face him.

Caroline and Raff were on their way, they’d told her. Ellie was worried about what they would find when they arrived. Neither Gillian or Robbie had emerged from the barn since those gunshots. Now there was an eerie calm, disturbed slightly by the hammering of the rain and an occasional cry from one of the girls and they sat huddled under the table. 

-

Caroline’s free hand gripped the seat beneath her. The feeling in the pit of her stomach had reached her throat, and she felt as if she were choking. They were so close now, speeding up the muddy lane with the rain still pouring around them.

Ellie was still on the phone, but had gone silent since the gunshots. Caroline had no words to say, her throat tightened and she glanced over at Raff again. His jaw was set grimly and his hands continued to grip the wheel so tightly she feared the shapes of his fists might be moulded there forever. 

Before she realised it they were pulling up to the farm, and the tightness in her throat intensified. She told Raff to go to the house and check on Ellie and the girls, which he obeyed reluctantly. 

Her boots slipped in the mud. Gillian was always making fun of her for not having appropriate footwear. She made a very glamorous farmer’s wife. She wished she had better shoes now though, as she slogged towards the barn. She hated that barn too.

The door was swinging open slightly in the wind, banging against the side of the barn in a slightly threatening motion. Caroline increased her pace, and made it to the door.

Her eyes adjusted to the change in light, and she brushed away the rain from her face. Her heart shattered at the sight before her, her throat closing up completely. She couldn’t breathe. 

Caroline’s vision blurred, and she lunged towards her wife. Gillian was sprawled in the mud, completely motionless. Caroline fell to her knees beside her, throwing a glance at where Robbie lay, Eddie’s shotgun still in his hands. The state of his upper body told her he’d shot himself after Gillian, he was definitely dead.

Caroline let out a shuddering breath and returned her focus to Gillian. Her hands fluttered over Gillian’s abdomen, unsure of what to do. There was so much blood. She pressed her hands where Gillian’s own lay, applying pressure with a force that seemed to take everything from her. Caroline tried to ignore the feel of her wife’s blood on her hands, wincing as it trickled over her wedding ring. She had told Raf to ring an ambulance as he went to the house, they should be here soon.

A soft groan pulled her out of her thoughts. Gillian’s face contorted slightly in pain, and Caroline longed to smooth the lines it made. Caroline’s hands trembled over Gillian’s, pressed firmly against her abdomen.

“Gillian? Darling, can you hear me?” Caroline asked, surprised at the steadiness of her voice.

Gillian blinked slowly, wincing in pain as her eyes locked with Caroline’s. She saw the terror in Caroline’s eyes and the intense worry in her brow.

“I flippin’ hate this barn…” she rasped.


	2. Chapter 2

“You’re very attractive, you should go for it.” Gillian had once told her.

Those were the words that started it all. Or perhaps something started before that.

It was the day after that dreadful dinner with Ruth. Caroline felt humiliated and exhausted. Gillian’s words of encouragement from the day before ran through her mind. _You’re very attractive._

Maybe she was reading too much into it. They were friends. Friends complimented each other. _You’re very attractive._ Caroline knew she needed to get a grip.

With the words still circling her, she grabbed her keys in one hand and Flora in the other. She needed to see Gillian.

-

Caroline’s jeep slowly approached the farm, the giraffe on the barn looming silently before her. It was raining steadily, intensified by the wind. It always surprised Caroline how exposed Gillian’s farm was, almost surrendering itself to the elements. She pushed down a twinge at the thought of Gillian facing so much alone. e _xposed._

As she pulled in next to Gillian’s weary land rover she paused, smiling slightly as Flora bounced in her seat. She glanced over to the barn, making out the sodden tent Lawrence and his friends must have slept in. Caroline tried not to sigh at the beer cans her son had left scattered across Gillian’s field.

She made her way to the house quickly, dashing through the rain in her heels. Her footwear was never appropriate for farm life, but maybe she liked the way Gillian teased her about it. It was too early in the morning for those kinds of thoughts.

As soon as she and Flora entered she knew Gillian wasn’t there. She was hit immediately by the emptiness of the living room, despite it being crowded with various teenagers, only one of which belonged to her. Calamity screamed as soon as she saw Flora, and they soon disappeared off together.

Lawrence made his way over to her, offering her a coffee which surprised her. He still didn’t have a job though, no amount of bringing her coffee would stop her from nagging him about it. She was suspicious about what he and Angus had come to Gillian’s for, feeling strangely protective of her. Perhaps it wasn’t so strange.

“Is Gillian out?” She ventured cautiously, after an appropriate amount of time. She let out a quiet sigh of relief that Lawrence didn’t raise an eyebrow at her curiosity.

“Yeah she’s been out with the shotgun all morning, gave us the fright of my life!” He replied.

She frowned at that, and he filled her in on their morning wake-up call. Caroline tried to suppress the complicated feelings that arose from the image of Gillian with a shotgun in the rain. That was a bit unexpected.

She moved into the kitchen under the pretence of washing the mugs. Glancing out the window, she froze as the water flowed over her hands. At the bottom of the field she could make out Gillian’s slight figure, standing with her back to the house. She looked like such a pillar of strength, standing against the battering rain. Caroline could hardly believe this was the same woman she’d seen a stumbling mess on many occasions. She was ashamed to still be surprised that Gillian was composed of such extreme contradictions.

Caroline continued to wash the mugs, glancing back to Gillian every few seconds. She hadn’t moved for a long time, but Caroline could see no weariness in her shoulders. 

Raff appeared next to the sink and Caroline realised she must have been staring at Gillian again. She often couldn’t help but be absorbed.

“Do you think she’s alright?” He asked her after a while, tilting his head in his mum’s direction.

Gillian had finally turned back towards the house, and Caroline stole another glance at her. Gillian’s face was blank and controlled, devoid of her beautiful smile. She was still clutching the shotgun grimly in her soaking hands. Her hair was plastered to her face, ponytail all wet, and she looked breath-taking. Caroline blinked and cleared her throat.

“I’m not sure.” She told Raff honestly.

-

It wasn’t until later they were alone. All kids and teenagers off in various places, the whole house was empty except for her and Gillian. Caroline felt strangely nervous as she sat next to Gillian, glass of wine in her hand.

“So how’d it go last night?” Gillian asked her, grin not quite reaching her eyes.

Caroline sighed, not really wanting to relive that particular disaster.

Gillian seemed to sense her reluctance, and decided to change the subject. They chatted about nothing for hours, moving gradually closer to each other with the fire blazing before them. Gillian’s hair was still slightly damp, and little curls were forming around her face. Caroline resisted the urge to run her fingers softly through them. _You’re very attractive_. 

“Did you mean what you said yesterday?” She asked suddenly, interrupting Gillian’s rant about her nearly-organic sheep.

“What did I say?” Gillian blinked, eyes raking over Caroline’s face and observing the way her fingers scratched at the surface of the wine glass in her hands.

“That I’m attractive.. _very attractive,_ that’s what you said.” Caroline blurted out, wincing at her delivery as she did so.

Gillian smirked and let out a soft chuckle. Suddenly her face was very close to Caroline’s and the wine glass was moved to the table. Caroline could feel warm breath on her cheek, and then Gillian’s lips were on hers. It was glorious.

Gillian pulled back after a moment, a soft smile replacing her smirk.

“What do you think?” She grinned.

_You’re very attractive._

_-_

Caroline was pulled suddenly from her thoughts as she felt someone sit down next to her. She groaned slightly, these hospital chairs were not built for comfort. Running her fingers over her wedding ring, she glanced over at Alan.

She was surprised he had come, bringing fidgeting hands and worried eyes. He didn’t seem to know what to do with himself, but he’d obviously betrayed Celia by being here. Caroline’s mother has refused to speak to her ever again. She’d been horrified when she’d found out about her and Gillian. Caroline told herself it was a relief.

It had been years since she’d seen her mother. Gillian would always be enough, all the family she’d ever need. Right now though, she didn’t have Gillian. All she had was Alan and his murmuring attempts to explain why he’d not rang, or visited or cared about his own daughter.

Caroline shut him out, trying to ignore the dried blood on her hands. She had nothing to say to him, no words of comfort to make him feel better about abandoning his daughter for Celia. Maybe that was a bit dramatic, but Caroline didn’t care anymore.

All she cared about was Gillian.


	3. Chapter 3

Caroline watched Alan’s right knee creak up and down next to her. She winced as she saw Gillian’s mannerisms through her father’s movements. Gillian’s knees didn’t quite creak as much, but they weren’t far behind. Her right knee would pump up and down, always jittery and on edge. Caroline had perfected a gentle touch to her wife’s thigh that would calm the action gradually, but she definitely doesn’t want to touch the thigh of her father in law.

Leaning back into the plastic chair, she lets the sharp corners dig into her back. It’s a welcome distraction from everything else.

She decides to think of Gillian.

-

A few days after Gillian kissed her all those years ago, Caroline had a very complicated day. She was interviewing Judith in front of her pupils after Ruth dropped out last minute. Ruth’s words had stung her, but thoughts of how Gillian’s lips felt against hers kept her going. As well as the vodka Judith smuggled on stage in the water jug, that definitely helped.

She had rang Gillian at lunch time, hoping to relieve some of her stress. It always helped to talk to Gillian. Her call went straight to voicemail however, which made her gut twinge slightly in worry. She quickly pushed the feeling down, and focused on getting through her afternoon.

John had been rambling at her again, and Judith was flirting with her. _That was new._ She couldn’t wait to tell Gillian, she could already see her nearly choking on her wine.

She sighed as her thoughts inevitably ended up about Gillian again. Caroline wondered what she was doing right at this moment. Gillian would probably be with her precious sheep, they all had names although Caroline could never tell them apart. Lawrence was still up at the farm, camping in Gillian’s field with those girls and Angus. She hoped he wasn’t causing Gillian too much stress. She had so much going on, as always.

Caroline still couldn’t believe Judith had been flirting with her. That was definitely unexpected.

Driving over to pick Flora up, Caroline eyes flickered over the hills. She could easily see Gillian striding with purpose in her wellies. With a start, she realised she was beginning to see Gillian everywhere. As she pulled into Celia and Alan’s drive, she paused for a moment. Judith’s vodka was still buzzing slightly through her brain and she should probably brace herself for her mother’s critical gaze.

She was bombarded as soon as she entered. Her mother complaining about Alan’s new job (as if it was the worst thing in the world) and Flora was eager to tell her about her day at school. She glanced over at Alan as he sat exhausted in the middle of their destroyed (work in progress) kitchen. He was muttering something about his call going to voicemail, so it seemed Gillian still wasn’t answering her phone.

This caused another twinge in her gut, and she was eager to get resolve it. The feeling was harder to push down this time, and lingered even after she’d tried to push her worry from her mind.

Celia asked her if she would take Calamity home too, and she was just about to protest. Then she stopped. Taking Calamity home was in the opposite direction, but it would give her an excuse to check in on Gillian. She made a show of sighing at her mother, as if seeing Gillian was the last thing she wanted to do. Taking pity on Alan as he slumped in the chair, she agreed to take Calamity home. This caused Flora and Calamity to scream again, which bounced around her brain and made her mother look a little nauseous. That made her smile.

-

It was beginning to get dark by the time she reached Gillian’s. She was a little embarrassed at the relief she felt at the comforting sight of the red land rover in the drive. Gillian was definitely home, despite whatever had happened during the day. Knowing Gillian, it was probably something absolutely chaotic and _definitely not her fault._

Caroline jumped a little as she saw the giraffe on the barn in the corner of her eye, it seemed to leer at her as it glowed in the dark. She dragged the girls out the car, ignoring their protests as they clung to each other as if they wouldn’t ever see each other again.

She reached the door and pushed it open - Gillian never locked up, _nowt worth taking._ She called out to give a little warning before letting two screaming girls into the house. As she entered, she saw Gillian lent tensely over the kitchen table, with Lawrence and one of the girls sitting awkwardly on the sofa. _On the sofa where Gillian had kissed her._

Gillian looked up as she entered, and her expression shifted slightly into something lighter but maybe more complicated. Lawrence and the girl (Caroline honestly couldn’t keep track) seemed to take the hint and herded Flora and Calamity upstairs.

Caroline moved closer to Gillian, hesitating for a moment before placing a hand over the fists still clenched on the table. Their eyes met and Caroline’s gut clenched for the third time that day. Gillian looked so lost and exhausted. 

“What’s happened?” She asked Gillian, after a moment.

“I uh, I lost Dolly Parton, and Mia Farrow today. Six others are still missing. All ‘cause of that f- bloody barn…” Gillian stuttered, closing her eyes and trembling slightly.

Caroline blinked. _The sheep!_

_“_ Spent most of the afternoon chasing them through b- bloody village, having to apologise to this poor old lady - she’s a bit shaken.. those little kids at the school.. that bloody bitch Cheryl..” Gillian broke off into mutterings, launching herself back from the table and moving towards the kettle.

“Fancy a brew?” She asked Caroline suddenly, who was struggling to keep up with her.

“Go on then. So all that, because of a gate left open?” She prompted, trying to quell the anger rising within her at those stupid men who’d been _gawping (_ as Gillian had put it) at that giraffe. 

They sat at the table, Gillian telling her everything. She went into quite a bit of detail about the state Dolly and Mia had been found in, clenching her fists around her mug of tea as she did so. Caroline knew how much these sheep meant to Gillian, they were her livelihood and they had been lost so easily. Gillian blew out a shaky breath between her lips and paused. She looked up at Caroline, seeming to notice her properly for the first time that afternoon.

“How did your thingy go? With Judith?” Gillian asked her, eager to change the subject from her disastrous afternoon.

“Oh well, it went very well. Especially after she slipped me a swig of her vodka.” Caroline replied, her eyes sparkling as Gillian grinned.

She waited until Gillian had taken another sip of her tea before adding:

“And she was flirting with me the whole time, even asked me out to dinner!”

As expected, Gillian choked on her tea spectacularly. After she’d recovered, Caroline was treated once again to Gillian’s beautiful grin which soon dissolved into laughter.

They chatted for another hour or so, both feeling lighter due to the other’s company. Lawrence ventured down later, to ask his mother for a lift home. Caroline agreed, expecting to be bringing that girl with them as well. She should probably work out her name since her son was maybe seeing her.

She still felt like that was something Gillian hadn’t told her, the thought was itching under her skin.

Lawrence went to put the bags in the car, and she turned back to Gillian.

“There’s something else, isn’t there?” She probed gently, aware of the nervousness in Gillian’s eyes.

Gillian sighed and scraped her fingernails across the surface of her mug.

“I’m thinking of selling up.” She stated grimly.

-

Alan cleared his throat next to her, and Caroline opened her eyes reluctantly. She would much rather see Gillian in her memories than be faced with an uncomfortable Alan who didn’t know what to say.

“I rang your mother..” He began, wincing as she blew out an exhausted sigh.

“Did she - did she say anything?” Caroline asked, after a pause. She felt angry at herself for even asking, of course Celia wouldn’t have asked after Gillian.

The horrified expression on her mother’s face when she told her about her and Gillian was etched into her mind. She and Gillian had been married for three years now, and still her mother had not made any effort to mend any bridges. Celia had said many things with her sharp tongue, and Caroline had given up. She’d put up with her mother’s jibes and undermining comments for so long, but when Gillian was in the firing line too she decided it wasn’t worth it.

She did feel sympathy for Alan, but right now she just wanted to know if her wife was alive. They’d given her no information, other than Gillian was still in surgery. Caroline shuddered at the thought.

“Well. She - uh, she asked if our Gillian was alright.” Alan replied quietly.

_Like she cares,_ Caroline wanted to mutter. She retrained herself with the small amount of energy she had left.

“I thought it better just to come on me own, less complicated you see.” He added awkwardly, before lapsing into silence again.

It still felt pretty complicated to Caroline, but that wasn’t new.

She leaned back again, catching Alan smile slightly as he watched her running her fingers over her wedding ring again. 

_God, she couldn’t lose Gillian._


	4. Chapter 4

It was hours before anyone came to give her (and Alan) an update. Gillian was out of surgery. She was allowed to sit with her.

Before Caroline realised, she was sitting on a different hospital chair. This time, she had her wife’s hand in hers. Alan must have gone, back to her mother.

Starting at Gillian’s hand, Caroline’s eyes trailed up her wife’s form, taking on every detail. They settled on her face, which looked more still than Caroline had ever seen it. Gillian was too still. She always moved in her sleep, hogging the covers and tangling her feet in the sheets. She still had nightmares too, the lingering effect of the things Eddie did all those years ago. Gillian often still woke up most mornings terrified at the presence of a person in bed next to her, even after three years of marriage. Gillian was never still.

Caroline closed her eyes again, she couldn’t keep looking at Gillian’s motionless face.

She found herself thinking about that awful barn again. _Hate that barn._

-

She’d convinced Gillian not to sell up, eventually. It had taken a lot of late night discussions, and multiple bottles of wine. The farm was a part of Gillian, such a massive piece of her life. It was her entire life. Caroline wouldn’t let her give that up.

Maybe it was the barn that was the problem. That bloody giraffe definitely wasn’t helping.

This became extremely apparent a couple of weeks later. 

She’d gone to visit Gillian, under the guise of letting Flora spend some time with Calamity. As if those girls weren’t joined at the hip already. Caroline felt a twinge of disappointment when she pulled into the drive and saw Alan and Celia’s lexus parked proudly next to Gillian’s land rover. 

She let Flora run off to find Calamity, and went to join Alan. He was standing by the wall, seeming to just be taking everything in. His eyes raked across the great expanse of the landscape before them. Caroline couldn’t deny it was always an incredible sight.

“Your mother’s gone to find our Gillian.” He quietly aid to her, once he’d realised her presence.

“Think she wanted to clear the air..” He trailed off, returning his gaze to the hills.

Caroline blinked in surprise, never knowing her mother to apologise without being prompted. Alan had probably been doing some subtle prompting though. It had been tense between Gillian and Celia for weeks, ever since the night of their birthday. Caroline was still angry at her mother for how she’d spoken to Gillian, but had restrained herself from mentioning it so far.

She was about to say something more to Alan, when they heard Celia’s voice drifting over from behind them. 

“Are you alright? Gillian, love?” She was saying, causing Alan and Caroline to both turn around in concern.

Caroline’s heart plummeted and jolted her legs into action. Gillian was stood hunched over in front of the barn ( _of course it was that bloody barn_ ) with her hands on her knees. Celia was fluttering around her, looking mildly concerned and a little confused.

As Caroline got closer to Gillian, she could make out the raggedness of her breathing. She gently grasped Gillian’s wrists, her heart falling further at the panic in the other woman’s eyes.

“I’m not him, Gillian. He’s not here.” She said softly, lowering Gillian onto the wall by the barn.

She ignored the confused mutterings from her mother, and the dumbstruck expression on Alan’s face. _As if they were surprised that Gillian was still suffering._

“Gillian, you need to breathe. Can you do that for me?” Caroline repeated, her thumbs slowly tracing shapes onto Gillian’s palms.

Gillian had stopped trying to pull away from her, and the tension that had been forcing her shoulders up now let them go. They dropped suddenly, as if in defeat. A shaky breath forced itself between juddering teeth.

As Caroline kept repeating comforting words, Celia looked on with Alan by her side. She felt a little guilty of her judgement of Gillian. Seeing her so small and vulnerable was very unexpected. The way Caroline had immediately known what to do had also surprised her, something uncomfortable stirred in the pit of her stomach at the way Caroline was holding Gillian’s hands. It was as if they’d been in this position before, had Caroline helped Gillian like this often? She knew they’d grown close over the years, but this was a little too close. Celia tried to push these thoughts away, but she knew they’d reappear soon. Most likely when in an argument with Alan or Caroline, or even Gillian herself. Celia had a way of revealing her true thoughts at the worst possible moments. This one could wait a little longer.

Gillian felt soft familiar hands on hers and she knew they were Caroline’s. To be fair, there weren’t many people in the whole of Yorkshire willing to hold her hands. The soft touches tracing shapes on her palms were definitely Caroline’s doing though. Gillian felt angry at herself for putting Caroline through this again. How many times had they been in this position recently? All because of that _bloody giraffe._

She blinked slowly, concerned blue eyes swimming before her. Caroline had beautiful eyes. She blinked again, making out the blurry figures of Alan and Celia over Caroline’s shoulder. _Oh God, they’d seen her like this._ She’d been taking to Celia only moments ago, until something had shifted within her again. Gillian was glad she couldn’t make out their faces, she didn’t fancy seeing their judgement right now. Caroline was still murmuring things to her, and Gillian felt a slow warmth spreading in her stomach at her words. 

Alan and Celia disappeared inside at some point. Caroline didn’t particularly notice - all that mattered in that moment was Gillian. Once she was convinced Gillian had recovered enough, Caroline moved to sit next to her on the wall with their hands still entwined.

“I’m sorry..” Gillian began, her voice raw. 

“Don’t.” Caroline said gently, squeezing her hand.

“You have nothing to apologise for.” She added, glancing back towards the house. Gillian’s eyes followed her gaze.

“I’ve got some explaining to do, don’t I.” Gillian muttered, slumping against Caroline’s firm shoulder.

“Only when you’re ready.” Caroline replied.

-

The beeping of the heart monitor seemed to be increasing. Maybe it was Caroline’s imagination. She opened her eyes gingerly, her heart sinking again at the stillness of Gillian’s form.

Gillian’s hand was still gripped firmly in hers, and she had no intention of letting go anytime soon. She smiled slightly, and began to trace those gentle shapes across her wife’s knuckles. This time it was to calm her own panic rather than Gillian’s.

She banished memories of the judgement on her mother’s face from her mind. Even when Gillian had explained to them - after the incident in front of the barn - what Eddie had done, and how she’d suffered so much. Alan had just cleared his throat as if it was something he could continue to ignore. A complicated expression had flickered her Celia’s face, and she’d placed a hand awkwardly on Gillian’s arm. They had left quite soon after that, Caroline remembered. It hadn’t stopped any of her mother’s little comments about Gillian and her reputation. Caroline was used to feeling disappointed in her mother, but now she felt disappointed in Alan too.

She wondered how much he knew, and how much he tried to ignore about what Gillian went through with Eddie. He must have at least known she wasn’t happy. 

The only thing that had stopped her mother’s venomous jibes was the revelation that she and Gillian loved each other. Her mother hadn’t spoken a word to her since that day. 

She didn’t want to be bothered with thoughts of her mother now (or ever). Celia’s disapproving face still lingered at the back of her mind.

Caroline continued to trace shapes across Gillian’s knuckles.

She was here, and _she was alive._


	5. Chapter 5

They had a quiet wedding, her and Caroline. Raff, Ellie and the girls had been there. A few friends had made up the numbers. Neither Alan or Celia came, but that wasn’t a surprise.

They hadn’t needed anyone else, both having done the big wedding before. This time was different, and all they needed was each other. Gillian would have married Caroline round the back of the house in her wellies if she’d let her, but Caroline drew the line at that.

Gillian’s heart still soared when she thought of how gorgeous Caroline had looked. She not sure why her brain has decided to explore the memories of their wedding, but she’s happy to indulge it. She’d even worn a dress for Caroline, which was very much appreciated.

Gillian wasn’t sure where she was, but she definitely wasn’t in the barn anymore. Had she survived the barn this time? _Maybe it had finally killed her_. She didn’t think she was dead, though. Death probably feels different.

At many points in her life she wouldn’t exactly have welcomed death, but it wouldn’t have been completely unwanted. She definitely doesn’t want to die now though. Gillian realised she’d never been happier. It had taken her a while, but she’d finally achieved what had escaped her for so many years.

Every time her brain reminds her of their wedding, Gillian longs to hold Caroline. That’s the main reason for not wanting to die - she couldn’t do that to Caroline. Especially after Kate. 

They’d got married in the registry office, which was a lot easier to plan. Everyone they’d wanted there and who wanted to be there was with them. Gillian couldn’t deny it hurt that her father didn’t come, even though she wasn’t surprised. She knew he would never betray Celia, even if it meant turning his back on her. He hadn’t spoken to her since they’d found out about her and Caroline, though he seemed quietly happy for her. 

As much as Gillian is enjoying her brain’s attempt to comfort her by flashes of their wedding, she wants to be able to wake up. She remembers the barn, and the look in Robbie’s eyes. 

The worst thing had been Caroline’s blurry face as she’d hovered above her. Gillian never wanted to see her so scared ever again. She can’t stop feeling the damp mud beneath her back, as if she’s still there. _That bloody barn._

Maybe if she tries to wake up, it’ll happen. She’s not sure how to make it happen.

Slowly and then all at once she feels a gentle pressure on her hand. She knows exactly whose hands are holding hers. Shapes traced on her palms as they were that day outside the barn. Fingers move over her knuckles in a calming rhythm. Gillian isn’t convinced it’s for her benefit, she feels Caroline’s panic.

She wants to wake up. She wants to squeeze the soft hands that hold hers.

Gillian had often marvelled at how smooth Caroline’s hands were. Especially compared to her own, which were hardened from many years of work on the farm. Caroline’s were impossibly smooth, though not without a couple of scars each one of which Gillian had vowed to learn the story of. Gillian had many more scars than Caroline. 

She can feel the pressure on her hand more clearly, like an image becoming sharper when she remembers to wear her reading glasses. Gillian hates her glasses. Caroline looks amazing in hers. Gillian always loses hers - she once found them smashed among the sheep, and she still has no idea how they got there.

A soft kiss is pressed to her hand, and though she appreciates the gesture, it frustrates her further. Why can’t she wake up? _Maybe she has to have a stupid moment of enlightenment or something._

Her frustration grows further when she feels the pressure on her hand lighten. She feels like she’s moving further away again, and she longs to be closer to Caroline’s touch. There’s a moment when everything pauses, and she can hear Caroline breathing.

Gillian listens intently as she hears Caroline gasp slightly, and utter a word that surprises them both.

“Mum?”

Then Gillian is flung away again, and she can’t feel Caroline’s touch at all. She holds onto the memory of Caroline’s breathing, and tries to get closer again.

-

Caroline gasped as her mother appeared at the door of Gillian’s room. She turned in the (still very uncomfortable) hospital chair without letting go of Gillian’s hand and regards her mother with suspicion. 

Celia looks older, and surprisingly concerned at Gillian’s condition. It’s been years since they’ve seen each other, and neither seems to know what to say. Celia remains frozen in the doorway, as if waiting to be invited in. 

“What are you doing here?” Caroline manages to say, breaking the silence that hung between them.

Celia looks like she’s searching for an answer, as if she’s unsure herself why she came.

“I wanted to see how you’re doing.. and Gillian.. it sounded so terrible what she got herself into..” Celia trailed off, wringing her hands slightly and remaining at the door.

“She didn’t _get herself into anything_.” Caroline bit back, tightening her grip on Gillian’s hand and ignoring her mother’s raised eyebrow.

“And why now? We haven’t spoken in years, mother. Suddenly you care about how we’re doing?” Caroline observes the way Celia seems unable to look at Gillian, and how she visibly winces at her use of _we._

_How can she not care? Gillian.._

Celia looks slightly apologetic. Caroline doesn’t think she’s ever seen her look so out of place before. It suddenly strikes her that her mother doesn’t seem to belong in her life anymore. 

“If you came here to judge my wife, we don’t need you here. She is braver than you could ever comprehend, and she saved your granddaughter today.” Caroline found herself adding, surprised at the strength in her voice.

Celia turned, as if to leave. She seemed to recognise that she didn’t fit into Caroline’s life anymore, and she had no one to blame but herself. She couldn’t go on blaming Gillian. 

“I do care.. I’m sorry this has happened to your.. to your _wife.”_ Celia began, making Caroline press her lips together firmly at the way her mother said _wife._ It seemed such a foreign word to hear from her mother’s mouth.

“She’ll be okay, Caroline. She’s a strong one, your Gillian.” Celia says, and then disappeared from the room as quickly as she entered.

Caroline sat frozen in the hospital chair, clutching her wife’s hand. 

_Did it really take this for her mother to apologise?_

_She didn’t technically apologise.._

She sighs, clenching her jaw as the anger ignited by her mother’s presence continues to flow through her. Glancing down at Gillian’s motionless face, her anger dissipates and a longing rises to fill the space it left behind. She longs to see Gillian’s mesmerising eyes, or her utterly contagious grin. 

Caroline closes her eyes, and sees Gillian on their wedding day. _She looked so beautiful._ She knew Gillian had wanted to give her more than a registry office wedding, but all that mattered was marrying Gillian. 

A pressure on her hand pulled her from her thoughts, and her eyes snapped open with a cautious amount of optimism. 

She was rewarded by the sight of Gillian’s eyes, blinking against the brightness. 

“Hello, love.” Gillian rasped.


	6. Chapter 6

“Hello, love.” Gillian rasped, her voice scratching at her throat.

Tears pooled in Caroline’s eyes as she watched her wife adjust to the brightness of the room.

“Hello, darling.” She murmured in reply, relief washing over her.

Caroline bit down on the multitude of things she wanted to say to Gillian, letting her wake up properly first. She went to get a nurse, to let them know Gillian was conscious. Gillian refused to let go of her hand whilst they checked her over.

“Is Ellie alright? And the girls?” Gillian asked her once they were alone again.

“They’re all fine, you kept them safe.” Caroline replied, her heart seizing at her wife’s selflessness.

_She kept everyone safe but herself._

“A- and Robbie? Is he..” Gillian trailed off, closing her eyes with a grimace.

“He’s gone.” Caroline watched Gillian’s movements with concern.

“Are you in any pain?” She asked Gillian, not convinced by Gillian shaking her head in response.

Gillian’s fingers tangled themselves into the sheet below Caroline’s grasp.

“Was I dreaming or was your mother here before?” Gillian asked her, treating Caroline once again to her beautiful grin. 

Caroline saw the concern behind Gillian’s grin and loved her for it, she knew the effect her mother’s words could have on her.

“Yes, she actually graced us with her presence. She even acknowledged the fact that we are married.. to each other. Without going so far as actually apologising…” Caroline broke off, smiling slightly at Gillian’s surprise at her words.

“So she didn’t just come to have a go?” Gillian smirked, obviously relieved that Caroline had avoided any more pain from her mother’s jibes.

Caroline decided not to repeat Celia’s words about _what Gillian had gotten herself into._ Gillian noticed her clenched jaw and silently squeezed her hand.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Caroline probed gently after a pause.

She watched as Gillian closed her eyes again, leaning her head against the pillow. Raising a hand to rub her face, Gillian tried to hide a wince at the movement.

“I - I saw him coming, up the road. And then we were in that f- bloody barn and he had Eddie’s shotgun. The look in his eyes, Caz. It were all Eddie, as if he was standing there himself. I couldn’t move, felt like he’d finally won.” Gillian paused, trying to calm the ragged breaths burning her ribs.

“But I _couldn’t leave you.”_ Gillian manages, the tears on her own face matching Caroline’s.

Caroline squeezed her hand as her throat tightened again, trapping everything she’d ever wanted to say to Gillian. The weary way Gillian smiled at her softly told her that she knew anyway.

-

The next few hours were chaotic. Raff came to visit, bringing along Flora and Calamity with him. Ellie popped by later on, after her shift ended. Caroline held Gillian’s hand through it all, tracing those same shapes across her knuckles. 

She managed to shoo them all away eventually, observing how tired Gillian was behind her smiles. Caroline pressed her lips to her wife’s forehead, and instructed her to rest.

Gillian bit back a comment about her wife’s bossiness, before closing her eyes again.

Watching her wife sleeping once more, Caroline’s own tiredness crept up on her. She didn’t want to leave Gillian alone.

“She won’t be on her own.” A voice from behind her stated gently.

Caroline smiled and took Raff in her arms. She felt such a release by having him here, he seemed to feel the same - especially without having the kids with him.

“I’ll stay with her Caz, you should go and get some rest. You can stay at ours if you don’t want to go back to the farm?” 

Caroline smiled at Raff’s use of his mother’s nickname for her. _Caz._

Reluctantly, she agreed. Raff took her place in the chair by Gillian’s bed. Caroline pressed another kiss to Gillian’s forehead, and one to Raff’s. On her way out, she turned back to watch Gillian sleeping for just a little bit longer. 

-

When Gillian woke up again, Caroline wasn’t there. Someone else was holding her hand. Her heart lifted when the blurry figure seated by her bed eventually turned into Raff. She was so proud of the man he’d become. _So much more than his father._

_“_ Hi, mum. How you feeling?” He asked her, once she seemed a bit more with it.

“mmm.” She replied, not wanting to think about the pain that blossomed across her chest with every movement.

Raff seemed to accept that as as much of an answer as he was going to get from her.

“I made Caz go home, she looked exhausted.” He explained.

“I’m a right faff for her, don’t know why she puts up with me.” Gillian mumbles, staring down at her hands.

“You can stop that right now, you know it’s not true.” Raff replies, stopping her from indulging in anymore self-loathing.

“I’m sorry, mum.” Raff says after a pause.

“What for?” She asks, eyebrows pulled together in confusion.

“I’m the one that wanted you to get back with Robbie all them years ago, and then you married him and I could see you were miserable and I thought it were your fault not _his…”_ Raff broke off, clenching his jaw in a way that reminded her of Caroline.

_She couldn’t ever tell him the truth about his dad._

“Raff, listen to me. It’s not your fault.” She began, closing her eyes briefly and ignoring the ache in her chest.

“I should’ve never married him, but I thought it were the right thing to do… got that one monumentally wrong.” She added gently, her breaths becoming more ragged again.

“That’s a big word for you mum.” Raff joked, blinking back the tears in his eyes.

Gillian grinned, trying to hide another wince as she laughed gently at his joke.

She looked into his eyes, and saw the kindness that she’d put there.

_He’d never be anything like his father._

_-_

“Are you sure about this?” Caroline asked her again.

Gillian leaned further into Caroline’s side, still not completely steady on her feet. They watched as the digger plunged its arm into the wall of the barn.

“Oh, definitely.” Gillian replied, holding her wife close as the barn crumbled before them.

“We might be needing a new barn though.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little epilogue.
> 
> thanks for reading x

Gillian sat on the wall in front of their house, taking it all in. She’d never tire of this view. 

When she took a breath too deep or reached for something too far, she’d still feel a sharp pain in her abdomen. She was still healing.

It was a useful reminder though, when she woke in the middle of the night terrified of the weight in the bed beside her. The pain reminded her that _he was gone, they were both gone._ The weight in the bed normally turned gently towards her. He never did that. Her wife had perfected the art of comforting her and calming her. She’d had to do it often enough.

Gillian’s hand found itself pressed against her stomach, the pain seemed a little sharper that morning. Maybe it was the cold.

Her eyes scanned the landscape, her breath curling in the mist. Caroline would have a go at her later for sitting out in the cold so long. The view was worth it though, and she didn’t mind Caroline’s nagging much at all. _In fact, she quite enjoyed it._

She bit her lip as her eyes drifted towards the remnants of the barn, or where the barn once stood. It was a stark reminder of everything that mattered. She couldn’t believe it had taken this long to realise what she needed was to knock it down. The only thing she regretted was not being recovered enough to do the job herself. 

She heard footsteps behind her and knew they were Caroline’s. Even without the heels, she knows her wife.

Caroline sits next to her wordlessly, placing a mug of tea into her hand. She glances down at where Gillian’s other hand sits, pressed against her abdomen.

“Are you alright, my love?” She asks gently, concern evident in the tremble of her eyebrows.

“Yeah, m’fine. Just a bit tender that’s all.” Gillian murmured back, moving closer to Caroline.

Caroline hummed, as their bodies melded together in the morning mist. 

“Who was ringing, before?” Gillian mumbled into her wife’s shoulder.

“Oh, you’ll never guess.” Caroline replied, her eyes twinkling.

“Uhh, was it the pope?”

“Nope.”

“What about Prince Charles?”

“No, not today.”

“Hmm. Tom Jones?”

“Yes. It was Tom Jones.”

“Oh, really. What did Tom Jones have to say?” Gillian laughed, linking her free hand with Caroline’s.

“It was my mother.” Caroline smiled, watching Gillian’s eyebrows rise in surprise. 

They hadn’t heard from Celia since that day in the hospital. Alan had popped round for an uncomfortable chat a couple of days ago, in a mild attempt to clear the air. Caroline had felt surprised at her feelings towards Alan. It was if he was permanently on edge, waiting for Gillian to disappoint him or explode in anger. Recently, she was quiet and contemplative, which seemed to put him on edge even more. 

Caroline had often thought - on first meeting Alan and Gillian - that they had a relationship to be envied. It seemed so close and understanding, from the outside. Before long, she had begun to see the cracks and now it was laid out before her in pieces. Alan was still pretending nothing had been broken.

“Your mother rang.” Gillian echoed, her expression urging Caroline to continue.

“It was lovely, actually. She was asking how you’re doing, and how the girls are. We had a good chat, like we used to.” 

Gillian grinned, squeezing Caroline’s hand and looking like she was contemplating something.

“You could invite her over, if you want.” She said, her grin softening.

“Hmm. I’m not sure we’re ready for that, maybe one day.”

“Might have to do a bit of cleaning, if her ladyship were to visit.” 

Gillian revels in the warmth of Caroline’s body as she chuckles. She knows if they invite Celia, her dad would be there too. She doesn’t want to think about that right know, they don’t seem to matter so much.

She returns her head to Caroline’s shoulder. The pain lessens, along with the cold. All she feels is Caroline’s warmth.

Caroline looks down at her wife and realises she’s fallen asleep. She’ll wait a little longer and enjoy this moment, before she wakes her up and takes her back inside.

She marvels at her wife’s gentle breathing, as she stirs a little. Caroline watches in amusement as Gillian moves in her sleep, she’s never still. 

For a painful moment, she’s reminded of Gillian in that hospital bed, so still. Or how she looked laying motionless in the barn. _Gillian is still here._

Her wife twitches again, and Caroline smiles and blinks back her tears. This is Gillian, who moves even in her sleep. She brushes the loose strands of hair from Gillian’s face, her hand gently cupping a cold cheek. 

“Come on darling, you’ve been out here long enough.”

Gillian groans, and snuffles. Caroline chuckles.

“It’ll all still be here tomorrow.”


End file.
